So I’m starting grad school again, this time at an in-person program rather than online. Now that I’ve spent a week back in the classroom, I wanted to talk about some of the differences I see between these two approaches.
This is a different university with different faculty, and as such there will be inherent differences beyond those presented by the face-to-face vs virtual venues. I can’t perfectly account for that. But it’s the same master’s program accredited by the same organization. These are core courses that have a lot of similarity. I also acknowledge that I am a different person now than I was the last time I tried this. I’m not working full time and taking classes part time, but rather I’m enrolled full time without working at all. I’m also living in a different country and trying to acclimate to that new culture and environment. But I am still Autistic and immunocompromised.
I was not prepared for how draining it would be to sit in a classroom for 3 hours, 3 times a week. I mean physically existing in that space, sitting in a chair at a desk in a room that has other students and a professor and a whiteboard and a projector. It’s not my chair, my desk. The air conditioning hasn’t been turned on, so the classrooms have been uncomfortable hot and stifling. No air movement means no air filtering, which has health implications. Sometimes the only seat available for me is at an awkward angle relative to the projector screen, or is towards the back of the room making it difficult for me to hear. The synchronous timing requires me to be constantly aware of the clock on class days to ensure I arrive on time.
Socially, I sometimes am expected to make small talk with other students, often by way of “icebreaker” group discussions. Since I’m existing in physical space with them, I have to navigate the balance between being socially presentable (clothing, hair, etc) vs being comfortable. These are core classes in my field of study, each with 60-90 students, any of whom I might interact with more than once and who may feel slighted if I don’t remember them. The social anxiety worsens my situational mutism, so in many of those social conversations I find myself unable to speak with my mouth, and have to resort to writing on my laptop or phone or in a notebook in order to communicate.
Since the learning is synchronous and in person, there’s no easy way to verify (eg by looking at digital activity logs) that I am “participating” in the course. Each of my classes includes participation as part of the grading rubric. Some of them have that assessed by me, leaving me with the same challenges I face during a job interview (how honest should I be vs how honest am I expected to be or are others being). One professor takes attendance during every lecture, spending half an hour of class time trying to learn our names instead of providing instruction. One has set aside 5% of my class grade for participation that she will determine a value for, but without specifying any criteria; if she has the neuronormative expectation that my participation will be demonstrated by raising my hand to ask a question during a lecture, I suspect those points will be gone.
I’m expected to collaborate with my fellow students on several group projects during the semester. Those groups are assigned by the professors rather than self-chosen. Will I be expected to attend group meetings in person, at the library for example, on someone else’s schedule? Will I be able to effectively participate in those activities if I’m unable to speak? Some of the group assignments include peer evaluations as part of the grading scheme; if they’re not empathetic to my communication differences, will I receive poor marks there?
Having experienced both, I feel like online asynchronous instruction for both primary material and any collaborative assignments is the best fit for me. Adapting to this in-person environment is going to be challenging. There’s less within my control to keep myself healthy and to be evaluated fairly.
To overcome some of these drawbacks, I’m doing a number of things. I’m trying to communicate regularly with my professors, about coursework and about my accessibility concerns. I’m trying to be proactive in group assignments and social interactions to “make up for” any perceived deficiencies. I’m trying to educate others about social communication differences and help them understand how to effectively collaborate with me, and help them see how much effort I’m undertaking to bridge that gap myself. When possible, I try to pick assignment topics that highlight the strengths and differences of Autistics, so that at least whoever is grading the assignment will get some insight into what I’m dealing with.
Having the professor spend a few minutes talking about accessible collaboration would help. Running an air filter in the classroom would help. Being grouped with others that have similar communication and collaboration preferences to me would help. Having clear grading rubrics would help.
Not all of these efforts will happen or be effective. But I can still try, still advocate. I may end up spending more of my energy on those efforts than I do on learning the course material though, which is incredibly frustrating. There is so much we could improve about university instruction.